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with new additional lyrics and dialog BY ROBERT SICKINGER

With deepest apologies to W.S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan

Unit set

CAST OF CHARACTERS 5 women 5 men

ACT I The MacFarlane cottage on the border between England and Scotland 1877
Angus Macalister, a giant Scottish lad enters and proposes marriage to the pretty Maggie Macfarlane. 
SONG # I I DO LIKE YOU Enter Maggie's mother who blesses the union with concern for his providing a living for Maggie. He assures them he has placed boulders on the tracks of the Glasgow Express. The train screeches off the tracks as Maggie reminds Angus to be faithful. SONG # 2 YOU WON’T FORGET YOU’VE MARRIED ME. The passengers Miss Belinda Treherne with Belvawney, a gentleman in love with her arrive for food and rooms offered by the MacFarlanes. Belinda loves him but fears they will be overtaken by Major McGillicuddy whom she was to marry that day. 

MUSIC #3 THE DIRE DAY I WAS TO BE WEDDED Belvawney asks her to be his wife but questions his "financial position". He explains his friend, Cheviot Hill on the same train, has the habit of proposing marriage to every lady he meets. Because of Belvawney’s hypnotic eyes, Hill’s father provides him with 1000 pounds a year, to keep Hill single. Should Cheviot die or marry, the money becomes the property of Cheviot’s Uncle Symperson. Miss Treherne displeased, rejects his proposal. MUSIC #4 YOUR PURSE SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY GUIDE and enters the cottage. Belvawney recalls something of Scottish customs: if two people declare their willingness to be wed in Scotland without clergy, they are man and wife Maggie enters and Belvawney questions her about this strange custom which she confirms. SONG # 5 I HAVE WROUGHT MUCH EVIL WITH MY EYES   They leave as Cheviot and Symperson enter. Symperson is ecstatic about the 1000 pounds he will receive if Cheviot marries his daughter Minnie. Cheviot reminds Symperson that Belvawney's eyes are presently inflamed and harmless. Symperson leaves as Cheviot sings of his marriage with Minnie.

SONG # 6   FAIR A PEACH Belvawney dismayed overhears. Cheviot declares his love for Minnie is so strong he will overcome all obstacles to wed and Belvawney leaves. Enter Maggie Cheviot’s love to Minnie is put to test. SONG # 7 THIS LOVE’S A PERFECT PEAR He implores her to marry him. SONG # 8   BLUE BLOOD! Maggie refuses for she is betrothed . Angus enters as Cheviot convinces them that marriage to him would bring her prosperity. SONG # 9 ONE DAY SHE WILLL BE MY QUEEN Cheviot offers twenty pounds against Angus protestations. Maggie asserts she will never be worth that much to him. Poor Angus sobbing, pockets the money and leaves. They sing of their marriage as she leaves SONG # 10 WITH WISDOM PAST HER YEARS A distraught Belinda enters. SONG # 11 PRETTY LITTLE PLUM He is infatuated but she is promised to Belvawney. An alarmed Belvawney enters followed by Major McGillicuddy who demands a confrontation with his bride Belinda. Cheviot pretends they are man and wife. Maggie and Angus enter sobbing on his shoulders! The Major sobs uncontrollably, Belvawney in tears. SONG   # 12    WHEN A MERRY MAIDEN MARRIES 
ACT II  The drawing room of Symperson's London home three months later.
Minnie in wedding gown is attended by her maid Parker. SONG # 13 WE MEAN TO RULE THE EARTH. Symperson enters ecstatic with their new wealth and marriage. SONG # 14 GOOD MORROW GOOD DAUGHTER She leaves and Symperson remembers his youth. SONG # 15 TIME WAS Belinda enters dressed in widow weeds and asks him to fetch Minnie. Good friends since school days they rush into each other's arms. Belinda tells of her strange marriage to a stranger and on his advice declared to be his wife. The stranger, missing since then, according to a quaint Scottish law has left her a married woman. Minnie finds this amusing; her friend, horrified! SONG # 16 ALONE AND YET ALIVE Belinda agrees to to shed her widow weeds and dress for the wedding. They leave. SONG # 17    TWO LITTLE FOOLS FROM SCHOOL   Cheviot in bridegroom apparel enters and spots the maid. Soon his arm is around her.

SONG # 18    WERE I NOT TO MINNIE PLIGHTED Before Cheviot proposes, they are interrupted by Minnie and the maid leaves. They rushto each other. MUSIC # 19   GOOD MORROW, GOOD LOVER They make plans for their future. SONG #19 TRUE LOVE MUST SINGLE-HEARTED BE He tells her he has hired servants to look after her father. She leaves in bliss. Belvawney enters bemoaningthe loss of Belinda SONG # 20 BLOW YOUR OWN TRUMPET Belvawney panics at the loss of his money and denounces Cheviot, saying there will be no wedding since Cheviot is already married! SONG # 21 THE LAW IS THE TRUE EMBODIMENTHe begs Belvawney not to spoil the nuptial expenses. Belvawney can prove Cheviot's marriage to Belinda because he is the only witness left! Declaring the cottage razed and its occupants gone Belvawney leaves. Cheviot decides to proceed with his marriage to Minnie. Enter Angus and the Macfarlanes. Cheviot recognizes them and asks them to leave as Maggie recognizes Cheviot SONG # 22 MY BELOVED LORD AND SUITOR Minnie and her father enter. Cheviot covers his chagrin by pretending Maggie is a washerwoman with an exorbitant bill. A hysterical Maggie tells the Sympersons, that Cheviot proposed to her three months ago and has witnessed his marriage to a beautiful lady. The Symperson’s are enraged; SONG # 22 HERE’S A PRETTY MESS Cheviot denies the marriage. Enter Belvawney assuring everyone he was at the marriage. Symperson tells Minnie to find herself another husband, and Belvawney to find another source of income. Enter Belinda who rushes to Cheviot. SONG # 23 LET US GRASP THE SITUATION Belvawney staggers back, Minnie faints, Maggie sobs, as the curtain falls.
ACT III   Symperson's London house three days later.
Cheviot is off to Scotland to find the location of the cottage and is expected momentarily. Belinda and Minnie in widow’s weeds, with Belvawney doing magic tricks as they jubilantly sing and dance like first formers SONG # 24   TRIPPING HITHER. The girls lavish him with compliments, saying their weary days of waiting have passed in extreme joy, thanks to his gay company. SONG # 25 DON’T GO Belvawney leaves as Cheviot enters with out resolving the situation. SONG # 26  THE WORTLD IS BUT A BROKE TOY The girls remind Cheviot that Maggie is also involved in this mess and they will take things in their own legal hands.

SONG # 27 WHEN ANGER SPREADS ITS WING Cheviot leaves as Symperson enters with a letter saying the cottage is "certainly in England; Belinda faints but instantly revivesin time to sing 
SONG # 28 THINK ME NOT A BARRACUDAThe other letter states Cheviot's Indestructible Bank shares are worthless. Minnie decides to forget Cheviot and leaves. Symperson is crestfallen, without the annual gift as a dejected Cheviot enters. None of his three darlings will have him.
SONG # 29 I’M A REGULAR WRECK He commiserates with Symperson and they agree the only way out is for Cheviot to commit suicide.
SONG # 30 YOUR’E BETTER OFF DEADSymperson shakes his nephew's hand and leaves. Enter Belvawney, who states Belinda has given her heart to him. Cheviot draws a pistol from his pocket to end his misery. Belvawney, greatly upset, offers to surrender Belinda if Cheviot will reconsider and confesses he wrote the bank statement himself to gain her love. Belvawney leaves. Cheviot's anger dissipates when he believes he shall have both money and the one he adores. Enter Symperson in black. When he discovers Cheviot alive he gleefully declares he has just seen Belvawney and Belinda leaving on the way to the altar. Cheviot vows revenge and swears he will marry anyone. Why not Minnie? Minie rejects him and in desperation, he asks Maggie for her hand. Sobbing bitterly, she announces she is suing him for breach of promise. SONG # 31 TIME TO SAY GOODYE   Belinda and Belvawney married return for best wishes. But wait! Symperson rereads the letter concerning the property's location. Lo and behold, although the cottage is in England, the garden is in Scotland and Cheviot married Belinda in the garden! An ecstatic Cheviot embraces an equally euphoric Belinda. Belvawney turns to Minnie for comfort, Angus gives solace to Maggie, Mrs.Macfarlane reposes on the bosom of Symperson. Mc Gillicuddy finds Parker as they sing



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